Jagshemash! For those who used to follow my nonsense on the now-defunct Two Voices In One Transmission, I am resurrecting the Friday Funhouse for my new page! For those who did not, this is essentially a way for me to type a bunch of profoundly un-profound bullshit followed by a short video of something I find funny, or in the words of Stewie Griffin, “So I’m shavin’ last night at this make-out party. I took a bunch of pictures. You can see ‘em on my Myspace page along with my favorite songs and movies and things that other people have created but that I use to express my individualism.” See what I did there?
On the radio this morning, the announcements for upcoming concerts in the area included this head-scratcher of a 4-way shared venue: Eddie Money, Foghat, Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy. Yes, that’s the line-up of a single event. Sort of like the Lollapalooza of washed-up, tepid schlock peddlers.
Wrap your mind around that one for a moment. Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy were to comedy in the late 90s what Mitch McConnell is to politics: bland and predictable with a subtle and probably unintentional undercurrent of white privilege. Today, when not on tour with the rock god known as Eddie Money, they both serve as humor-free spokesmen for Golden Corral Buffet and Prilosec OTC, respectively.
In the 1970s, Eddie Money treated us to flavorless pieces of musical chloroform such as “Baby Hold On” and “Take Me Home Tonight”. Back in 2003, The Onion came out with a news-in-brief article bearing the headline “Business Card Confirms Real Estate Salesman Is Eddie Money”. I thought this was hilarious and also wondered if perhaps it wasn’t unintentionally prescient. I mean, he couldn’t possibly still be making a living with his instantly forgettable brand of elevator rock, right? Wrong, apparently. He does and he is. And he’s bringing it all to Albuquerque in the near future along with three other formerly (and perplexingly) popular acts that seem to need to hitch their wagon to his as much as he needs to hitch his to theirs (otherwise known as a circle jerk).
Rounding out this Monsters of Crap festival is Foghat, a band best solely known for the classic rock radio staple “Slow Ride”. What kind of person attends a concert like this? To whom could all four of these bastions of mediocrity possibly appeal? Would such a person buy four t-shirts and relish the upcoming work week when he can make his friends and co-workers green with envy over the fact that he attended such a monumental once-in-a-lifetime event?
To recap: “You might be a redneck”; “Git ‘er done!”; “Baby hold on to me. Whatever will be will be.”; and “Slow ride. Take it easy,” are the phrases that will be running in an indefinite perpetual loop through the minds of those whose lives are so bereft of stimuli that virtually anything is suitable to fill the gaping void.
Also on the upcoming Albuquerque area concert roster: Pat Benatar with special guest, Toto.
Because I care about my readers, today’s video will have nothing to do with any of the aforementioned has-beens (no offense to Pat Benatar who I still think is extremely cool — certainly too cool to be touring with Toto). Here’s a little Cleveland Brown to go with your morning frappuccino: