Decoding Modern English

sam

Do you want people to remember you as “an angel”?

Get murdered.

Do you want people to refer to you as “a miracle”?

Become a drug addict or an alcoholic for a decade, then sober up for about a week.

Do you want people to call you “a genius”?

Post some life hack advice to your Facebook page explaining how to make your whites whiter with a tablespoon of vinegar.

Do you want people to think of you as “a savior”?

Badger J.K. Rowling on her Twitter feed until she agrees to write another Harry Potter book.

Do you want to be called “a hero”?

Take your son or daughter to some extracurricular activity and shout encouraging things at them.

Do you want to be called “a disaster”?

Become the first African-American president of the United States, solve the nation’s financial crisis, take out the leader of the world’s most notorious terrorist network, secure universal health care, improve the country’s image across the globe and speak with intelligence, restraint and compassion.

Next week’s linguistics lesson: integrating “covfefe” into the Western vernacular.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s