Top 10 Paul Loughmans

What’s in a name?  That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. – Billy Shakespeare 

I don’t have a Facebook account.  As such, a Google search of my name yields a rather disappointing smattering of pages showing either my mugshot circa 2012 or some album review I posted on Amazon over a decade ago.  Well…that’s not entirely true.  Although I eschew social media entirely, many of my namesakes worldwide do not.  There are a surprising number of Paul Loughmans vying for top billing on that site, so I decided to whittle the list down to the ones with a profile photo for the purposes of this post.  What, you may ask, is the purpose of this post?  To discern, based on a thumbnail-sized photo and a single piece of information, whether or not these online exhibitionists and moniker usurpers are worthy of identifying themselves by my first and last name.  Here goes:

Paul Loughman #1


This guy is a member of the Alaska Army National Guard.  I’m guessing that’s the reason why he inverted his hair growth so that his look would be considered regulation due to a directional technicality.  At least David Letterman waited until retirement to adopt this look.  Stop smiling, Asshole.  You are unworthy of using my name.

Paul Loughman #2


“Hey hey!  I’m Paul and I am lovin’ life and my precious little angel!  Being a dad is the best thing that’s ever happened to me!! Just last month, I was in a band, went out every Wednesday and Saturday night to the local pub, and spent most of my time looking at Youporn and Redtube while smoking up a bong load. Thank God those days are over! Nothing but responsibility, late night diaper changes, and a sexless marriage from here on out! ”  Kill yourself, Paul #2.  It’s only a matter of time, so you might as well get it done with now.  And stop using my name.

Paul Loughman#3


This guy kinda looks like Al Bundy and his kid looks like a smartass.  You can go ahead and keep referring to yourself by my name.

Paul Loughman #4


This Paul Loughman is from Limerick, Ireland.  He’s probably a soccer hooligan.  Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.  You are also forbidden to continue using my name as your name.  I hereby dub you Farty O’Flannigan.

Paul Loughman #5


“HEY!!  HEY!!!! Look at me!!  I’m climbing a big rock!!!  LOOOOOOK!!!”  Piss off, Indiana Jones.  No one cares.  I’m going to let you keep using my name, but I demand a royalty payment of .37 cents every time you speak, write or type it.

Paul Loughman #6


This nondescript curmudgeon almost looks like a priest, but on his profile he indicates only one interest, under the music category: “Eddie Vedder”.  Not Pearl Jam, just Eddie Vedder.  I don’t understand.  Therefore, I cannot risk you going around using my name to identify yourself.  Cease and desist.

Paul Loughman #7


This is a woman.  Somewhere below that pleasant smile is a vagina.  On her profile, she identifies herself as Lisa Paul Loughman.  I’ll split the difference on this one: you can keep your last name if you stop utilizing your inexplicably masculine middle name.  I’m nothing if not fair.

Paul Loughman #8


This guy is in the Irish Defence Forces.  He’s man enough to show affection to his daughter, but will not put down his beer for that or any other purpose.  I guess that’s pretty cool.  You can keep using my name.

Paul Loughman #9


A Liverpudlian that looks a bit like Bradley Cooper.  I don’t know…there’s something I don’t like about this guy.  I can’t put my finger on it exactly, but you know what?  I don’t have to.  This is my website.  Stop using my name, Prick.

Paul Loughman #10


A young father working towards his diploma at the UV School of Law.  Sorry to break this to you, but it’s all downhill from here, Paul Loughman #10.  Brace yourself for five to six decades of long hours, pointless stress, bratty kids and an ever-receding hairline.  And since you don’t have the foresight to see the inevitable, you must henceforth stop using my name.

Imposters, one and all.  I think I may need to copyright my name.

6 thoughts on “Top 10 Paul Loughmans

  1. You gave me my top laugh of the day, Paul Loughman Prime. Which sucks, because I did it at work while I supposed to be selling a refrigerator. Now I have new laugh lines but the same empty wallet.

    I also Googled by name and drew the conclusion that I’m the only me my wife could love. So, two out of three ain’t bad. Another customer will come along. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You could even add a trademark like Billy Joel did? I put a question mark at the end because I can’t Google an example image. But I swear I’ve seen the little (TM) symbol attached to his name in the 90s.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha! I’m not even going to bother googling that, Pablo, because it sounds so much like something Billy Joel would do that I’m just going to accept that it’s true. Don’t get me wrong, I really like Billy Joel’s 1970s output and always will. But the man himself bugs me for some reason I can’t quite qualify.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. He doesn’t look like the guy who produced such an impressive repertoire of deeply insightful and meaningful lyrics. Add to that the great tunes he attached to them, and the little salt and pepper gnome who sails a yacht around Long Island hobnobbing with the uppercrusts of the obscenely rich throws my sense of logic for a loop every time.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s