What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. – Billy Shakespeare
I don’t have a Facebook account. As such, a Google search of my name yields a rather disappointing smattering of pages showing either my mugshot circa 2012 or some album review I posted on Amazon over a decade ago. Well…that’s not entirely true. Although I eschew social media entirely, many of my namesakes worldwide do not. There are a surprising number of Paul Loughmans vying for top billing on that site, so I decided to whittle the list down to the ones with a profile photo for the purposes of this post. What, you may ask, is the purpose of this post? To discern, based on a thumbnail-sized photo and a single piece of information, whether or not these online exhibitionists and moniker usurpers are worthy of identifying themselves by my first and last name. Here goes:
Paul Loughman #1
This guy is a member of the Alaska Army National Guard. I’m guessing that’s the reason why he inverted his hair growth so that his look would be considered regulation due to a directional technicality. At least David Letterman waited until retirement to adopt this look. Stop smiling, Asshole. You are unworthy of using my name.
Paul Loughman #2
“Hey hey! I’m Paul and I am lovin’ life and my precious little angel! Being a dad is the best thing that’s ever happened to me!! Just last month, I was in a band, went out every Wednesday and Saturday night to the local pub, and spent most of my time looking at Youporn and Redtube while smoking up a bong load. Thank God those days are over! Nothing but responsibility, late night diaper changes, and a sexless marriage from here on out! ” Kill yourself, Paul #2. It’s only a matter of time, so you might as well get it done with now. And stop using my name.
This guy kinda looks like Al Bundy and his kid looks like a smartass. You can go ahead and keep referring to yourself by my name.
Paul Loughman #4
This Paul Loughman is from Limerick, Ireland. He’s probably a soccer hooligan. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life. You are also forbidden to continue using my name as your name. I hereby dub you Farty O’Flannigan.
Paul Loughman #5
“HEY!! HEY!!!! Look at me!! I’m climbing a big rock!!! LOOOOOOK!!!” Piss off, Indiana Jones. No one cares. I’m going to let you keep using my name, but I demand a royalty payment of .37 cents every time you speak, write or type it.
Paul Loughman #6
This nondescript curmudgeon almost looks like a priest, but on his profile he indicates only one interest, under the music category: “Eddie Vedder”. Not Pearl Jam, just Eddie Vedder. I don’t understand. Therefore, I cannot risk you going around using my name to identify yourself. Cease and desist.
Paul Loughman #7
This is a woman. Somewhere below that pleasant smile is a vagina. On her profile, she identifies herself as Lisa Paul Loughman. I’ll split the difference on this one: you can keep your last name if you stop utilizing your inexplicably masculine middle name. I’m nothing if not fair.
Paul Loughman #8
This guy is in the Irish Defence Forces. He’s man enough to show affection to his daughter, but will not put down his beer for that or any other purpose. I guess that’s pretty cool. You can keep using my name.
Paul Loughman #9
A Liverpudlian that looks a bit like Bradley Cooper. I don’t know…there’s something I don’t like about this guy. I can’t put my finger on it exactly, but you know what? I don’t have to. This is my website. Stop using my name, Prick.
Paul Loughman #10
A young father working towards his diploma at the UV School of Law. Sorry to break this to you, but it’s all downhill from here, Paul Loughman #10. Brace yourself for five to six decades of long hours, pointless stress, bratty kids and an ever-receding hairline. And since you don’t have the foresight to see the inevitable, you must henceforth stop using my name.
Imposters, one and all. I think I may need to copyright my name.