Slap In The Face

louise

In the Golden Age of the Silver Screen, a slap in the face was the classic reaction of a leading woman to the advances of a cad. This act conveys such unquestionable derision that it’s become a phrase to describe just about any perceived insult or injustice – Ain’t that a slap in the face? But a slap in the face isn’t necessarily the proper response to just any asshole in your vicinity. Some people are so heinous that were I to ponder what I’d do if I had the opportunity to meet them, the fantasy would surely be of the murderous variety. That’s not to say that I actually want to kill anyone, but as Marie in Breaking Bad said to her therapist shortly after discovering the extent of Walt’s treachery to her husband, “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt anybody…but it just feels good to think about it.”

This post isn’t about murder fantasies. It’s about slap-in-the-face fantasies and as such, will exclude dictators, despots, Donalds, warlords, Neo-Nazis and Fox News hosts. Here’s a short rundown of just a handful of the celebrities that I would pay good money for an opportunity to slap squarely in the face.

Peter Cetera

cetera

This douchebag holds the distinction of being #1 on my list of most slappable twats. He was bad enough as the front man for Chicago, but when he broke out on his own, his crimes against humanity really took a dark turn. “I am a man who will fight for your honor…”. Really? You? I’m not sure whose honor you’re defending, hence I don’t know who you’d have to fight in order to do so, but I can say without hesitation that you’d lose that fight. You know what? Whoever you were singing to there…I just dishonored her egregiously. Want to fight about it? Yeah? Come here, Peter. SLAP!!

Natalie Merchant

natalie.jpeg

The first 10,000 Maniacs album, “The Wishing Chair” was wonderful. They had yet to achieve mass popularity and all of the songs were underscored by dreamy slide guitar riffs that took the focus off of Natalie’s vocals. The track “My Mother The War” remains one of my favorite songs ever recorded. By their next album, the great guitarist had left the band and Natalie’s awful vocal delivery was front and center. Covering Cat Stevens’ “Peace Train” was a lame enough idea on its own merits, but her inexplicable pronunciation of the title, making it sound like “Peace Tlen” literally makes my blood boil. This affected asshole was born and raised in Cooperstown, NY, so I won’t give her shitty forced dialectical weirdness the same benefit of the doubt that I granted Nico with The Velvet Underground. And have you seen her dance on stage? It’s like watching an epileptic donkey at Woodstock after it inhaled an entire canister of Whip-its. Well…maybe I’m being overly harsh. I’m sorry. Come here, Natalie. Let’s hug and make up…SLAP!!

Tom Cruise

tom cruise

Do I even need to explain this one? Tom’s Mini-Me and Scientology Chairman of the Board David Miscavige is relegated to my murder fantasy category, and that’s the only reason Toothy Tom gets off with just a slap. If you answered my opening question in the affirmative, just watch this creepy and bizarre declaration of Scientology Superpowers and I’m sure you’ll be on board:

SLAP!!

Kirk Cameron

kirk

Ideally, I’d get the chance to approach Kirk from 20 paces, because he deserves a double slap as if I were challenging him to a duel. That’s because both versions of Kirk Cameron are fundamentally slap-worthy. First, there was the smug, jheri-curled 80s heartthrob version that appeared in Growing Pains. The fact that his self-satisfied mug appeared on the cover of Teen Beat on an almost weekly basis is enough to earn him his first slap. Then, of course, there’s the insufferable Born Again producer of God-awful Christian cinema and gay marriage detractor version of Kirk that we have today. Come pray with me, Kirk. Let’s close our eyes, bow our heads and praise the Lord…SLAP!! SLAP!!

There are so many famous people who merit a slap in the face that I need to cut this short lest I belabor my point. The above hand-picked smattering of slappable celebs was just provided as a reference guide. What I’d really like to know, dear readers, is who among the famous (or formerly famous) YOU would find most satisfying to be the recipient of five fingers to the face. The comments section is now open. Get slappin’, my friends.

Addendum:

paul sprint

SLAP!!  Did you hear that?

 

4 thoughts on “Slap In The Face

  1. Since you’ve eliminated the president from the list, and any current Fox News host, I’d like to travel back in time and slap a Donald when he was just a reality show star, and take advantage of the loophole in the contract and slap Bill O’Reilly now.

    If I must pick another celebrity, outside the world of politics, I’d like to slap the guy who played Iron Fist on the Netflix Defenders show for turning one of the strongest, most iconic heroes of my childhood into a mewling boor.

    My backhand will then hit Kanye West. But, that’s an easy one. Everyone wants to slap Kanye West. Even Kanye West.

    Just to step outside the box, I’ll throw one more open-handed swing at Angelina Jolie. I just never liked her. I’m sure she’s a nice person, and probably doesn’t deserve it, but this is open-mic (er, hand) night a the curmudgeon club and that gives me license.

    Dust yourself off now, old-Trump, unemployed-Bill, guy-I-respect-so-little-I-didn’t-look-up-his-name, future-president West, and Tomb Raider … some of you may be on the harsher list mentioned next time.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. A compelling list of slap recipients, although I will have to consult with the judges about whether the time travel bit is permissible. I almost did an entire post yesterday about why Kanye West is NOT a genius, but as you said, that would have been superfluous and unnecessary. So I took the lazy route and went after Dennis Rodman, instead.

      Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s