Online Dating Or Acid Enema?

seinfeld

For those of us who have reached our forties and managed to remain single, the Kafkaesque world of online dating is often the only practical venue left for us to seek intelligent life with complimentary naughty bits.  The last time I had the wherewithal to wade into the swamp of internet dating was in late 2015.  If I remember correctly, I went on a few dates with women who did indeed possess the requisite naughty bits but were depressingly lacking in intellect or anything else to stimulate my above-the-waist imagination.

An odd side-effect of being essentially single for years at a stretch is that my former envy of those involved in “healthy” relationships or marriages has transformed into something that more closely resembles pity.  I have been privy to one or both sides of my friends’ boy-girl fights more often than I can possibly recount and of course, being the neutral party in these situations, I find that people in relationships are the worst possible advertisements for the act of being in a relationship.  He said this, she said that, he checked her phone, she spied on his Facebook feed, and on and on and on.  It’s like having front row seats to the world’s most boring and passive-aggressive boxing match.  Even the “good times”, when described by these same people, seem to always have an undercurrent of desperation.  In my opinion, this has much to do with the fact that I don’t believe humans were meant to be eternally monogamous creatures but we’ve inundated our animal urges with so much idealistic romanticism in that direction that we feel a natural growing apart is somehow a failure.  So we stubbornly live out our lives hand in hand with someone we’d just as soon push off a cliff.  On this particular subject, when I say “we”, I mean “you”, just to be clear.  I haven’t engaged in such masochism for quite some time and don’t intend ever to do so again.

But those of us who are happily single do get bored sometimes, and so we take to the dating sites in the hopes that we will meet someone that may be at least temporarily compatible with our lives of stubborn independence.  For the record, I have had a couple of long-term (by my short-attention-span standards) relationships that began on Match.com or some related site, but those were very much the exception and not the rule.   But here’s my biggest personal handicap when it comes to constructing an online dating profile: I am completely incapable of advertising myself, of talking myself up to attract a potential mate.  When I read the profiles of other guys who seem to have no qualms about doing this, I actually cringe in embarrassment for them.  The online equivalent of a peacock strutting about with its plumage on full display isn’t a graceful mating dance; it’s a sad public broadcast of a poorly hidden inferiority complex.  What will follow is the text of my last online dating profile.  I saved it all this time because I thought it was clever, albeit enormously ineffective.  After reading it, I’m sure you’ll understand why my inbox never overfloweth-ed.

Choose your own adventure!  It occurs to me that I’ve been limiting the potential success of my online profile by targeting a very specific demographic of women in the approach that I use.  In the interest of broadening my horizons and keeping myself open to more than one specific “type” of potential mate, I have crafted several different introductory statements, all of which can be found below, conveniently numbered and labeled.  Feel free to choose the one that best speaks your language, or if you’re a more complex and nuanced individual, mix and match until you find the perfect combination that’s just right:

  1. The “straightforward” approach: I am a man who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to pursue it.  I am looking for a woman who is ambitious, confident, fun and adventurous to compliment my busy and fulfilling life.  If this sounds like you, please drop me a line (must have photo!)
  2. The “new-agey spiritualapproach: I seek a sensitive soul who shares my love of animals, meditation and self-help manuals.  I have a wellspring of love and compassion to share with the right woman (and the world!).  If you like tofu, nature hikes, and sign all of your e-mails with the word “Namaste”, please drop me a line.
  3. The “nervous laughter even when typing” approach: I’m new to this online dating thing, so please bear with me. LOL!  I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, but a friend told me this might be fun.  LOL!  I love sports (go Cowboys!  LOL!) and dancing (but I’m not that good!  LOL!).  If I sound like your kind of guy, please drop me a line!  LOL!
  4. The “dark, bitter and jaded” approach: I don’t know why I’m on this stupid site.  I couldn’t decide between dating and hanging myself from the rafters of my attic with a self-fashioned noose, but since I can’t find a suitable length of rope, here I am.  Drop me a line.  Don’t drop me a line.  I don’t care.  We’re all gonna die someday, anyway.
  5. The “stating the obvious” approach (combined with the “acting humble by claiming that my friends had to point out my attributes or I would never have known” approach): My friends say that I’m friendly, funny, outgoing and kind, and I am looking for the same. I love to laugh! Would like to meet a woman who is financially secure, not a drug addict, and fun to be with.  I am not into games, liars or cheaters!  If you’re looking for the same qualities, please drop me a line.
  6. The “I am going to cram every dating site cliche into one paragraphapproach: I am a guy who lives life to the fullest!  I always see my glass as half full, not half empty.  I work hard and play harder!  I am looking for my soul mate and won’t settle for less.   If you’d like to hear more of my astounding lack of creativity, drop me a line!
  7. And finally, thetoo lazy to formulate full sentences” approach: ‘Sup?  Lookin’ for sumpin’.  Whatev.  Hit me up.

I hope I’ve covered all the bases.  If none of the above approaches appeal to you, let me know and I’ll try to accommodate your needs, you precious bundle of fascinating uniqueness.

50 thoughts on “Online Dating Or Acid Enema?

  1. Haha! I love your profile, and it does surprise me that you weren’t inundated based on that.

    Honestly, not all relationships are the way you describe them in the second paragraph though. I know plenty that are, but several that are not ☺

    Liked by 3 people

  2. My hand went up to my mouth a few times, trying to stifle my insane fucking giggling.
    Didn’t work, I guffawed-ed anyways.
    I’d have no idea how to sell myself on a dating site. Meeting the right person is a mix of chemistry and sheer luck, with perhaps a spark somewhere in the naughty bits area.
    ‘Sup? Lookin’ for sumpin’. Whatev. Hit me baby, one more time.” Facepalm.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Hi, Mr. Curmudgeon. I have reviewed your profile. After reading this I was ready to make the leap, build a closet to come out of, and play for the other team. That was until you said “Go Cowboys”. At this point I realized I was in the middle of a stroke with my earlier thinking and have checked into a hospital. Peace Out! Oh, and Who Dat! 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Okay, I’m gonna try…
    “Hey there. I like to smoke the hippy lettuce, kick back on the couch, watch some good shitty T.V., take long naps and eat pizza until cheese comes out of my ears. If this sounds good to you, email me.
    P.S. I also enjoy burping matches and scratching my ass at 3am on the way to take a tinkle.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Is there anything worse than fucking online dating!!!!! Argh
    I lasted half a day doing it last month. It’s shit. Full of lunatic mountain climbing billionaire narcissists!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. LMAO!

    Not nervously, nor self-consciously … I am literally sitting here laughing out loud (LOL!), waking up a wife, two dogs, and a mother-in-law.

    Mind you, I’ve never tried a dating site. I’ve been in one of those long-term thingees you poo-poo for longer than I care to state. We have been through every up and down imaginable (no entrendre-dub intended), so I’m not saying “poo-poo” like you don’t know what your talking about. I’m saying you know your shit. It’s true. It’s tough. It’s work. Sometimes you just. can’t. even.

    But, it looks like it’s still better than dating sites. 😂

    My first thought was “okay, Tom, pick one.”

    (1) would wear me out, no way. (2) started strong, but lost me with hiking … I hate hiking. (3) sounds easy to get along with, will probably laugh at all my stupid jokes. I can get over the Cowboys thing. Solid maybe. (4) I have to save poor 4. Definite click. (5) Something about 5 bugs me. Too judgmental? Too quick to accuse me of games, lying, or cheating. Very short term, and probably an angst-y-ed full relationship. Gonna pass. (6) I sat next to 6 in a bar on Sunday. I hate him already. (7) Yup. This ‘un. Got nuthin’ to prov.

    Okay, so I’ll click (3) for a fun time, (7) for long-term beer drinking, and (4) because, deep down, I’m a hero.

    I may not have found my soulmate but I think I found two friends and saved one life. 😉

    In the end, a worthwhile endeavor. I wonder, now, if Mrs C will let me join a dating site … you know …

    For the good of the world. 😎

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ha ha! What a thorough examination of the 7 categories into which I pigeonholed all human beings. Of course, a 47 year old single guy living in a studio apartment painting all relationships and marriages with the same broad brush is the very definition of irony — something whose demise I just prematurely announced in a very recent post.

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Hey! You described all married relationships perfectly…don’t let anyone say that you didn’t…and your introductory statements were classic! Here’s what I’ve learned: people get married not by the decisions made by their intellect, but by the drives generated by their DNA. A woman’s DNA is telling her to reproduce, while a man’s DNA is telling him to conquer. After each has fulfilled this genetic desire, the woman has babies and the man has conquered…the DNA informs each that it’s time to move on and do something else. The DNA is fulfilled. Their is no more desire. The “love” wanes and the relationship erodes…over a few short years…you ask yourself…who is this person anyway?

    Liked by 1 person

  8. ummm, I kinda wrote this exact same blog, just not as fucking hilarious, and from the other side, clearly. You might get a kick out of it. So if you tire of trying to find the one person who isn’t either going to stalk you, pick you apart via thumbs, or send you pictures of their genitals, here it is.

    God, and you really did nail the gamut of profile nightmares…don’t even get me started with the effing profile pictures!!!

    https://thoughtcatalog.com/natalie-brooke-breazeale/2017/05/the-trials-and-tribulations-of-tinder-after-your-twenties/

    Liked by 2 people

    1. What a fantastic article, Brooke! I’m even more limited due to the fact that I refuse to enter the new millennium and as such, still use a flip phone. No apps, no swiping, no Tinder…just talking and/or texting. So if ever I’m to reenter the online dating world, I have to start off on one device (PC) in order to hopefully take things to the next device (flip phone) in order to hopefully meet someone in person (or send my android body double to do so). At first glance, when reading the text of your profile, I thought to myself that I’d have absolutely responded to it had I come across it on an actual dating site. That is, until I got to the word “healthy” at which time I would have ruled myself out as a candidate and moved on to someone whose profile photo showed them smoking a cigarette. So self-deprecation works against me, too. I’d say that just as often as I decide that I am not interested in someone based on their profile, I assume that someone would not be interested in me based on…well, me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, I’m beyond flattered that I would have received at least a pause for consideration. Maybe you could just send your android body double. I could lecture him on the dangers of smoking…right after I pour him another shot of Tequila. 😉

        I would then send him back to his self-deprecating counterpart to remind him that there are a thousand reasons why someone would be very interested in him based on….well, him.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. That just made me laugh out loud!!! Oh yes, the half naked pic in their bathroom mirror… or holding up a huge fish they just caught (is that a subliminal metaphor of sorts?) priceless… and means they will promptly be heading left. ;o) good luck out there… I’m taking yet another break from all things dating via thumbs… again.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Everything you just said, yes, yes and yes! Then why is it so hard for a man to at least brush his hair and have someone else snap a decent photo??? It’s more of a joke with me at this point. I cancelled my free trial three days into it. It’s great blog material!

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, Tanya! My favorite part of this whole blogging thing is when the comments exceed the original post for sheer entertainment value. I haven’t looked at enough other guys’ profiles to know if they routinely hold fish, but I have looked at enough to verify that Brooke is right: they can never seem to find a shirt before taking that mirror selfie.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It certainly gets entertaining in the comments section sometimes! Haha. Totally going to check out Tinder while I am waiting for my flight today…seems like well spent time. I am curious to know what gay woman have going on in their profile pics…power tools, high tops, pocket chains and wrist bands, or maybe just a subtle shot of chin hair? Hmm. 🤔

        Liked by 1 person

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