Sitting Is The New Smoking?


Today, an article in Yahoo Health declared that “Sitting Is The New Smoking”.  This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this ridiculous pronouncement, but it is the last time I’m going to just let it slide.  With the help of some subtle paraphrasing of a prize-winning essay penned by 10th grader Blake Ballard of Doniphan-Trumball High School in Grand Island, Nebraska, let’s explore this dubious claim of those whose idea of a health Utopia is one wherein nobody gets to sit the fuck down and relax.  All instances of spelling errors, grammatical mistakes, precocious self-righteousness and just plain bad writing are entirely Blake’s.

About 23 percent of all adults are sitters. This fact seems dwarfed when you hear that 30 percent of adolescents use some sort of chair. In fact, statistics show that the average age for first using chairs is 13. This means that the majority of all chair users started when they were a teenager. The effects of sitting are common and dangerous but what most people don’t realize, secondhand and thirdhand sitting is just as bad. Authority figures need to set up limitations for chair use and combat young age sitting.

Chairs contain around 4,800 chemicals, 69 of those can cause cancer. The effects of using chairs are wide and varied but all of them are dangerous to every user’s health. A study done by the American Ass Association states that sitters die significantly earlier than non-sitters. Sitting men and women have an average of 14 years of less life than a person who doesn’t use chairs. Human beings are supposed to do all they can to extend their lives. Yet people still make the choice to use chairs and other abusive furniture. A few dangerous diseases one could get by using chairs include: coronary heart disease, lung, oral, throat, kidney, and pancreatic cancer, and even COPD. The list goes on and on and most of them can leave a person scared (sic) for life. Sitting is unacceptable in general, but doing it while pregnant is even worse. Just under eleven percent of all pregnant women sit. Using chairs while pregnant accounts for ten percent of all infant deaths. Sitting is obviously terrible. All of these facts plainly support that simple statement.

If one person sits, the whole building sits! Whether that statement describes a house, a place of work, or an apartment building, sitting affects everyone in the near vicinity. The more prominent example of the three would be an apartment building. What would happen if a chair user decided to sit in a building full of families and young children? The ass that is released from the chair has the possibility of infiltrating the homes where young children are playing. Secondhand ass is not something to joke about. It’s just as bad, if not worse than directly inhaling ass on a regular basis. Secondhand ass occurs when one person exhales an ass cloud and that cloud makes its way to another person. That other person could be baby sleeping in the apartment next door, a teenager doing homework the floor directly above the sitter, or even an elderly lady knitting in her room across the hall. It could happen to anyone, anytime, anywhere. Thirdhand ass occurs when the actual ass permeates a person’s clothes and anyone who takes a sniff, inhales particles of ass. This is a much more widespread problem than secondhand ass because one person can carry the scent of ass wherever he or she goes. In the elevator, through a hallway, in the lobby, the possibilities of meeting someone who sits are endless and that increases the chance of inhaling ass. Only the actual sitter has the power to stop second and thirdhand ass. They have to take the initiative to not harm other people and quit bringing dangerous ass to innocent humans.

Certain places are making it illegal to sit around other people. The Grand Island City code prohibits sitting in public places. Why not outlaw all sitting except for certain designated places. This would limit the amount of exposure non-sitting individuals receive. It would allow families to safely take a walk through a park without encountering any disease filled ass clouds. California was the first state to try and achieve this by initiating a statewide ban. Following California’s lead other states started to join in. On June 1,2009, Nebraska’s Clean Indoor Air Pact went into effect. This banned all sitting in bars, restaurants and all enclosed workplaces. This is a great start and hopefully Nebraska bumps it up a notch and initiates more laws and bills that effectively stops second and thirdhand ass altogether.

The effects of sitting are widespread and can be deadly. The issues one could get by using chairs should turn anyone away from the idea. Yet, it still happens. Youth still have a high probability of trying some sort of chair use and when they live in an environment where secondhand ass is constant, it makes it that much worse. Like stated above, an apartment building would be the perfect example for showing the dangers of second and thirdhand ass. If one person sits, the whole building sits. This phrase clearly states that when one person decides to give in to the addiction known as sitting, the whole building and the surrounding area are affected to (sic).

19 thoughts on “Sitting Is The New Smoking?

      1. Well. I’m impressed. You did an awesome job and the thing is sitting for long periods of time is bad for you. I just read an article the other day that we need to get out of our chairs and move more. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  1. I quit sitting back in 2007. Near the end I was only sitting once a day, right before bedtime, and at parties when I was drinking a lot. Being around other sitters naturally led me to sit. Sometimes I’d bring my own chair, sometimes I’d bum one off a friend.

    I knew I was finally done when, after six months of standing, I asked a friend if I could have a quit sit in his chair. It was awful. I knew right then I’d never sit again.

    I’m proud to say I haven’t sat in ten years now. My cheeks feel fantastic. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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