Friday Funhouse 15: Shut Up!

snuggler

Welcome back, Friends! While The Funhouse is normally a place to let loose and be yourself, I regret to announce that if you wish to enter today, you’ll be obliged to abide by a temporary rule that’s in effect for this week only. If I hear anyone making a lame, cliched post-Thanksgiving joke about how much you ate yesterday, you’re gonna find yourself out on your ass. Got it?

This is actually an ideal time to talk about our annoying habit of needing to hear ourselves talk. What is it that motivates a person, apparently beyond his or her powers of resistance, to point out to anyone within earshot that they consumed a hearty portion of turkey on a day that has been traditionally reserved for exactly that activity for as long as any of us have been alive? Do you honestly think anyone finds it amusing when, for the 47th time (in my particular case), you place your hands on your belly and declare “Boy oh boy! I think I’m gonna need a new notch on my belt today! HAR HAR HAR!”? “I’m gonna be in a turkey coma all day long! HO! HO! SNARF! HA! HA!” “Leftovers? What leftovers? SNORT! HA! HA!”

No, you don’t honestly think anyone will find those tepid quasi-jokes amusing but you just have to make them anyway. You are incapable of NOT forcing others to laugh politely at your lack of originality and adding a bit of their own out of a sense of obligatory politeness: “Oh, I hear you! I feel like I’m ready to burst, too!” This is a completely unnecessary exchange. In fact, it was completely unnecessary the first time anyone ever made such a quip on this particular day of the year — all the Pilgrims knew it was lame, as did the soon-to-be-homeless indigenous peoples of North America…but they probably all forced laughter anyway, thus initiating this unofficial yet insidious tradition. “Oh, Mr. Standish, thou art quite the card the way thou holdeth thy belly and informeth us of thy fullness! HAR HAR HAR!”

Now, if you’re thinking to yourself that I’m making too big a deal out of this and that I should just let people exchange their post-holiday pleasantries in peace, you’re wrong. You’re also banished from The Funhouse for the week. Go on. Shoo. Get the hell out. No, you don’t get a refund, you cheap bastard, I told you the rules before you bought your ticket.

To everyone who is still here, I applaud you for your refreshing application of self-control. Because you were able to refrain from blurting out gastrointestinal witticisms, you have truly earned the right to enjoy this week’s video. I’m going to take my leave now…I ate like a pig yesterday and I feel like I’m gonna burst! HO! HO! HAR!

19 thoughts on “Friday Funhouse 15: Shut Up!

  1. “This is actually an ideal time to talk about our annoying habit of needing to hear ourselves talk. What is it that motivates a person, apparently beyond his or her powers of resistance, to point out to anyone within earshot that they consumed a hearty portion of turkey on a day that has been traditionally reserved for exactly that activity for as long as any of us have been alive?”

    Ah yes, and I just saw this the other day:

    https://www.theonion.com/report-only-3-of-conversations-actually-need-to-happe-1820611008

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I have an observation followed by a confession:

    Your words remind me of that Kevin Hart meme I see every year where he has that “what the f* are you doing?” look on his face and the meme reads, “No need to post your food on Thanksgiving, we all eating the same shit!”

    I actually had that meme in mind as I posted my finished turkey on Facebook yesterday and said “I know we all eating the same shit, but the bird pic is obligatory.”

    31 likes. 8 hearts. 3 laughs. 1 shock face. 11 comments.

    Not bad.

    This morning, on Twitter, I tweeted something banal about my leftovers being too tempting to resist this morning, so I’ll be doubly damned.

    My confession? I stayed for the whole show before admitting to my sins. Like leftovers from Thanksgiving, the Friday Funhouse is too much of a temptation to resist. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A little afraid to say anything since I was the one that posted the turkey journal. Do I get any redeeming points if the only leftovers I have had so far is the smoked Italian sausage sandwich (with a little mayo and cornbread dressing on it) I just ate. Smoked Italian sausage as a side dish is something we’ve always had at my folk’s house for T’giving due to our heritage.

    BTW, if you wonder how you smoked Italian sausage, you need to get really large and absorbent rolling papers. 😎

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My fingers aren’t very dexterous when it comes to rolling a good joint, so I always shove my leftover sausage into a bong. You do, in fact, get redeeming points, but not for your leftovers consumption. Those points are for the marijuana-related joke. Either way, you are free to move about the Funhouse!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Suhweet! FWIW and for bonus points I will tell you the bong I had back in my college days when I was able to partake. (Sadly, it was stolen.) It was called an apogee and was the one on the left in this picture.


        I also had a glass pipe my friends nicknamed Killer.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Brilliant, Paul…and pretty damn accurate. I bought my ticket with absolutely no hesitation…my Thanksgiving dinner was a small bowl of truffle fries. Not the healthiest option, but a small portion of deliciousness with no serious gastrointestinal repercussions…and only strangers about, so no need to boast of bursting belt buckles. It could have been worse, I suppose. I hope yours was full of all things good that crazy holiday has to offer- a full belly and surrounded by love..that is my hope and wish for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Brooke! As is often the case when one’s closest friend is almost 80 years old, I found myself dining at the Cracker Barrel. I don’t always get to embrace my inner white trash, so it seemed somehow novel and appropriate. I hope you are filling your weekend with everything you love.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I did hear bad Thanksgiving chat by DJs on the radio this morning. It particularly irritated me when they went on to mention New Mexican Thanksgiving traditions and mentioned all the foods with an accent that can not be described by text. And to you I say, rock on with your bad fork!

    Liked by 1 person

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