Friday Funhouse 18: Del Boca Vista


Happy Festivus, Funhouse Fans!

Since last week’s installment explored the concept of Purgatory, let me tell you a little about my own 9 year sojourn through Purgatory on Earth. I am speaking of Florida, of course. Back in 1998, on the heels of a break-up with a long-time girlfriend in New Jersey, I made the dimwitted decision to relocate to South Florida. Thus began the longest day of my life. It lasted precisely 78,840 hours and from what I’m told, the unfortunate denizens of the Sunshine State are still suffering through the same interminable day while I have mercifully returned to a standard 24 hour cycle. Nothing changes in Florida. The weather, the temperature, the god-awful drivers, the fact that even nature actually manages to be tacky — these things are constants.

When the holiday season rolls around in Florida, the only way to tell aside from looking at your calendar is that the ear-raping Jimmy Buffett songs emanating from every beachside bar and grill change from Margaritaville and Cheeseburger In Paradise to Mele Kalikimaka. Hardly an improvement considering that Jimmy Buffett really only wrote one fucking song in his entire career and just changed up the lyrics as the time of year demanded. And before anyone gets any ideas about defending their status as a lifelong “Parrothead”, let me stop you before it’s too late and say fuck you.  Just don’t. Some things are best left unsaid, okay? Jimmy Buffett is a musical terrorist and if you don’t agree, that’s only because you’ve never lived in South Florida. Try living among the world’s largest assortment of drunken douchebags in Hawaiian shirts and Santa hats for a few years and then let me know how you feel the next time you hear the words “Nibblin’ on sponge cake, watching the sun bake” issuing from your radio.

I want to tell you about the most obscene Christmas display ever to invade my eyeballs. I was driving around a day or two before Christmas in some unfamiliar neighborhood and came across a fat, hairy behemoth of a man, Bermuda shorts riding precariously low so as to expose his chasm of an ass crack, sweat creating two large humid armpit orbs on his Gators T-shirt, trying to maneuver his lawn mower around the nativity scene in his front yard. Though I am not religious in any sense of the word, I must declare that this was the most nauseatingly blasphemous and inappropriate visual I’ve yet to experience in my 47 years on Earth. I still haven’t fully recovered and I fear I never will.

So Monday is Christmas and though this means very little to me, at least I can revel in the knowledge that I live in a place where winter is winter and summer is summer and nobody listens to Jimmy Buffett. Happy holidays, y’all. Here’s some Florida shit from Seinfeld:

29 thoughts on “Friday Funhouse 18: Del Boca Vista

  1. OMG! You are hilarious and an incredible writer. You create vivid visuals that’s for sure! I hope you have a Merry Christmas and thanks for the Seinfeld clip. It was an awesome show and Kramer was one of my favorite characters! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks! I had no doubt you’d share my distaste for Jimmy Buffett. People who appreciate the brilliance of a band like Rush are , of course, allowed guilty listening pleasures, but there’s a limit. And you can know when you’re close to that limit if you start hearing the sound of steel drums.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I have been keeping up with the adventures of Florida Man in the news, and it seems like Florida could be a challenging place to keep one’s sanity. I’m glad it’s there, though, because I’m in Texas, and not being Florida is a big plus for us.

    I’ll assume you’re not looking for your lost shaker of salt…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, not being Florida is a huge asset. I was looking for that salt shaker for a while because some people claimed there was a woman to blame for its absence…then it dawned on me that it was my own damn fault. If I just got that song stuck in my own head for the day, I’m going to be very angry with myself.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I have a good friend that, if she owned you, she would disown you at this very moment for ever uttering an indecent word about her greatest idol. She puts Jimmy Buffett in the category that many put Elvis Presley. I, personally, don’t have much time for either of them.

    But I do love margaritas. And flip flops.

    I’ve never been to Florida, but I do have some southern family living there. That might be reason enough to avoid it.

    But for every other reason you stated, I will trust that the Sunshine State is not the state for me.

    Happy Festivus to you, my brother. May your aluminum pole stand forever straight. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Tom, and a very happy Festivus to you, as well! I, too, have a good friend whose ears seem to be defective because when he listens to Jimmy Buffett, he’s clearly hearing something that I’m not. He came to Florida once for a visit and I agreed to be his designated driver for a trip to Key West as long as he acquiesced to staying far away from the Margaritaville bar. He managed, but I also wound up paying for his drinks. As far as Elvis is concerned, Mojo Nixon would like you to reconsider your opinion:

      Liked by 1 person

  4. If you don’t fish and sniff coke then, yeah, why live in Florida? As for Jimmy B. I’ll drink his tequila. Not your thing I understand, but when it comes to tequila, I’m not picky. And truth be told, if I ran into him eating conch soup under a grass hut on the beach off the coast of Belize and he wanted my help with back-up on his next set, I wouldn’t deny him.

    The worst part of Christmas is the dead week that follows. Do you work? Do you try and go out and celebrate? Do you sit around and vegg? It’s like this orphaned week; 51 plus this thing that just doesn’t fit into anybody’s schedule. Ah well, at least there’s fondue to look forward to Sunday evening.

    Wishing you — and all who deign to read this — a pleasant holiday.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you and a happy holiday to you! For the record, the only reason tequila isn’t currently my thing is because it dawned on me that I could either keep drinking or continue to have friends. But though I was mostly a beer drinker, tequila was one of the few hard liquors that I enjoyed. So yeah, I fully appreciate your Buffett-related disclaimers. To answer your question: if you live in S. Florida and you’re not a fisherman, a cokehead or an elderly transplant from New York or New Jersey, then you are almost certainly a criminal on the lam. Truth be told, that’s one of the only reasons life was occasionally interesting down there.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. No, just kidding. Though I wouldn’t mind something sunnier and warmer.
        Thanks. I’ll have to wait for Xmas though. Ours is on Jan 7. Back in Toronto we used to go to parties funnily called ‘It’s not our Xmas yet,’ which are quite popular there. But, I’ll toast to it for sure.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ah, you’re on the Julian Calendar, then. Whenever I think about things like that (Chinese New Year, for instance), it dawns on me once again that our measures of time mean absolutely nothing. Is a week from today the last day of the year? That depends. And as such, it is a non-event. But I do still plan to pick up a Bob’s Burgers calendar this weekend so that I can mark the passage of Gregorian time for another Gregorian year.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. You are hilarious, and I can completely relate! I moved to Miami as a young adult and lived there for 20 years before returning North. I’ll never forget the day I asked for a coffee after drinking “cafecito” because I thought it was a sample. (Northern coffees were just so much bigger!) I must have talked for seven hours straight that day. Roaches that fly? Come on, now. And what’s with all those little tiny dogs with wardrobes? I have to confess, I miss going to five-star restaurants in flip flops. But I’ve literally scraped ice off the insides of my windows here in Wisconsin, and I still prefer that, to driving on the Palmetto Expressway. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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