She jumped up outta the car. Pulled her hair down her eye. And do you know what she tol’ me? Do you know what she try to tell me? She said, “Woo ee ah ah! Woo ee ah ah! Woo ee ah ah! Woo ee ah ah! Woo woo eeeyaaaah!” – Hasil Adkins
Have you ever suddenly detached from the meaning of words while in the act of speaking? Maybe you’re regaling a group of friends with some dead-air-filler of an anecdote when your attention abruptly shifts from the content of your story to the bizarre sounds disgorging from your kisser. Why the hell am I making these noises?, you ask yourself through the application of the same exact noises being called into question. Can’t I just shut up? Do I really have to keep making these ludicrous sounds for the rest of my life? At that moment, perhaps one of your friends interjects with a relevant anecdote of his own but to your ears, he might as well be saying, “Flibberdeegarnk schmiddlepog blop nizzly!”
Every time I post another of my online polemics, I am trusting that the reader will extract the intended meaning from my chosen arrangement of characters. We all take this for granted. Of course, someone who doesn’t speak English would experience the essay for what it really is: a display of symbolic characters that translate into audible speech patterns that may or may not cause the listener to think and visualize specific concepts or images. If, for whatever reason, they do not, then they are nothing more than an incomprehensible cacophony.
Incidentally, that might have made a more appropriate title for my blog page: Incomprehensible Cacophony. I sure do talk a lot of shit, don’t I? And I’ll continue to do so because it’s just the kind of animal I am – a noise making, key-tapping hairless ape.
But I’m here to announce a slight adjustment to the vibrations I will henceforth cause your ears to receive from your larynx as you utilize my blog to read your children to sleep at night. (That’s what everyone does, right?) Spooky Action At A Distance shall henceforth cease and desist from the utilization of the following words that I have now officially beaten to a bloody pulp:
I will continue to overuse the words fuck, shit and douchebag as per usual.
In case you fear that the expulsion of those haughty appellations will render my pontification rather lifeless (note to self: add “Pontification” to above list of banned words), keep an eye out for the increased utilization of the following words on this page:
Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis
Like it or not, it’s time for a new direction, y’all. I will endeavor to subject you to as few cattywampus linguistic juxtapositions as possible and maybe you can make some sense of it all. Christ knows I can’t.