No Cuddle Buddy For Me

“It’s not even the actual sex that I miss, it’s the foreplay and cuddling. I need a cuddle buddy.”

“You need to learn how to cuddle yourself first,” my therapist Joan replied to me with a stern, yet loving look.

She gets it, though. It’s been ages since I’ve engaged in anything sexual, unless you count an occasional quick hug, a kiss goodbye or goodnight and a few pathetic attempts at more intricate things.

Asshat was having a difficult time raising the roof. He led me to believe that it was just a combination of him being dead tired after working a whole 6 hours a day, not to mention that I was in pain ALL THE TIME (total turn off to him.)

I’d try to explain that I could handle the extra pain if it meant being intimate with him again. I’d take an extra pain pill or smoke an entire bowl of weed beforehand. I’d do whatever he wanted to make him feel more comfortable touching my fucking fragile body, but he would always find an excuse to get out of it.

It was a major red flag relationship problem that I naively thought was just circumstantial. I held onto the hope that if I kept trying to show him that I was “fine,” things would go back to normal again, maybe back to twice a week if we were lucky.

Little did I know the real reason why he had no interest in touching me anymore. It was because he’d been fucking around behind my back for years, but now he had himself a regular skank-ass hoe to whet his sexual appetite with.

And now he’s gone for good and I’m footloose and fancy free!

My sex drive had gone missing while I was going through a deep depression in 2015 (who wants to get funky when all you can think about is wanting to die?) and ironically, that’s about the time that the fucker started sharing his peen with someone other than myself, exclusively.

While I do agree with my therapist that I need to learn how to cuddle my own damn self, it still doesn’t erase the fact that I’m extremely horny.

horny_dafe35_1164087

I could find someone to have sex with easily enough, but that isn’t how things work for me nowadays. It was easier back in my 20’s to just hook up with a guy, but now that I’m in my 40’s, I require an emotional connection before I could even consider letting a man see me naked.

My lustful and lascivious urges will either have to stay in my head or be written down in a saucy poem, like this one.

Will your touch set me free
From my myriads of insecurity?

The chance of just one night

Whisper my name in the heated hush
Making me shiver, first, then flush

Together, engaged in intense rotation
Making storms of our own formation
Stare into my eyes, as we become one
Our bodies warmed by a tantamount sun
If only for one night

30 thoughts on “No Cuddle Buddy For Me

  1. A cuddle buddy will be there when you’re ready. Angry you still are…but thanks for letting us take a peek inside your mind…just too bad you didn’t live close by…(LOL? Or would that be a #MeToo creepy comment? I can’t tell these days…)

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  2. Is your therapist’s “cuddle yourself” a euphemism? Or about being comfortable in your own skin? Sometimes it can be hard to tell with some people.

    Maybe I should knit you up one of those wossnames that I suggested to a certain Squirrel for his Baby Shower post? 😉

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  3. I would tell you how many years it’s been for me but I would shock you if I did. 😉 One learns to live without it. Truth. It’s not easy but it is doable. ❤

    (Now I have to follow Spooky blog just to keep up) 🙂

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      1. Hell, I don’t want to throw the cards in yet either and I’m a lot older than you! I just use the cards I’m given and I’ve been given a losing hand. 😦 No need to apologize, we are honest with each other. Snookered or not……

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      2. I am pretty honest…maybe overly so!
        Yep, my cards suck ass too Jackie. Being snookered helps right now, he’s still not done screwing with me, the mother fucker.
        Oh, sex. Well, someday but not any time soon. Honest people kick ass. ❤

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      3. He just left a few things behind that he’ll have to pick up, leaving a crack in the door open so that I’ll have to communicate with him. Also, he lost a part to something that was his grandmothers, like a give a shit. I went Grey Rock with him. No emotion, simple replies.

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      4. Good girl. Keep things as simple and cold as possible. It helps you more than anything. I would give him a set day when ALL his things need to be gone or they get thrown out. If they can, they always leave something, as it gives them an excuse to torment you some more.

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  4. I’m weird, I guess. I actually can “just” have sex without a relationship, if that’s the expectation up front. I can’t work backwards, from relationship to FWB. My problem is just finding someone!

    I hope you get some satisfaction and happiness, in whatever form you want, soon 💜

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  5. Awe, Mer… get a vibrator! And a giant teddy bear… or guerilla, whatev. Name him and he’ll treat you right. If you want talking too, I’m sure those are available. Start slow, go out for coffee together and eat chocolate poptarts… make a mixtape… it’ll be fine… (damn him.)~Kim

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  6. I agree with Kim completely! I follow your blog all the time Mer, but can’t comment because I’m not a blogger. I’ve wanted to comment SO OFTEN!!! At any rate, there are also, believe it or not, Cuddle Parties with certified instructors. LOL. Check it out! Have no idea how prevalent they are but it is an interesting idea. Hang in there Mer and please help me figure out how I can leave comments for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. First, thank you for following my blog for so long. That makes me happy.
      Secondly, I’ll look into that..cuddle parties. Hmm.
      Also, I’m not sure how you can leave comments for me, others that don’t have their own blog do. Maybe just sign up for WordPress but don’t actually start a blog…or even better, start one!

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